Dead, Rotting, and Cheese Covered
by Super Shayde
Summary: Warning: Contains deodorant, hatred of oxygen, itchy underpants, a shrieking James Potter, and a murderous Snape.


Dead, Rotting, _And _Cheese-Covered

- Must include Horace Slughorn, Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, Snape, and one other character of your choice  
- Remus has developed an obsession with deodorant  
- Lily has developed a hatred of oxygen  
- Must include a love potion  
- Must include blonde hair dye  
- Must include the phrases "itchy underpants" and "I love you"

"Hey, Remus?" third-year Gryffindor Sirius Black asked skeptically, tapping his friend on the shoulder.

"Yes, Sirius?" Remus Lupin answered nervously, feverishly spraying the recently touched part of his shoulder profusely with deodorant. Deodorant that smelled like a dead, rotting, cheese-covered house-elf, in James Potter's opinion.

"You smell like a dead, rotting, cheese-cove-" James started bluntly, breaking Sirius off from his next sentence, (which probably would have said something along the same lines) but was distracted abruptly by two new figures emerging in the doorway and entering – namely Madam Pomfrey and Lily Evans.

"The poor girl seemed almost dead when a house-elf found her," Madam Pomfrey was explaining to Professor Slughorn, "She had to have been holding her breath for …"

Indeed, Lily's face was starting to look rather purple. Sirius smirked slightly. Severus Snape was cackling in mirth at the back of the classroom for reasons unknown.

"Miss Evans, stop that!" Madam Pomfrey said sternly, and surprisingly, Lily did – but only to protest.

"No," Lily said stubbornly, as Remus started spraying her with deodorant anxiously. "I _won't_! Oxygen is _gross_! It's disgusting!" she wailed.

"I agree, Lily! Oxygen is a total waste of time! You're a genius!" James said hastily, ignoring that he was now being sprayed with dead, rotting, cheese-covered house-elf-smelling deodorant by Remus as well. "Now will you go out with me?" After all, she was _Lily Evans_, breathing or not. They could form a 'no-breathing' cult! And then they could invent an amazing something-or-other that let a person live without oxygen entering their body at all! And then buy a gigantic mansion to live in with a million conveniently empty broom closets to snog in! And then… And then… (This is where the author gets bored of listing James' 'brilliant, highly possible ideas for the future'.)

"NO!" Lily bellowed.

(This is where James' dear, hopeful, thirteen-year-old plans are smashed into a million tiny pieces, instead of broom closets. And where Sirius starts to get his own brilliant ideas.)

"Always forceful, this one," Slughorn chuckled, referring to Lily, finally turning from his _Felix Felicis _to look at Madam Pomfrey, "Don't worry, Madam, we'll take care of this."

"If you say so," Madam Pomfrey said, and skipped out.

As James moped sulkily at his desk, stirring his carefully-hidden-from-Slughorn love potion much more feverishly than he had before, Sirius was slowly seeping magical blond hair dye (with just a touch of permanent sticking potion added) into his friend's hair from behind.

As a drop of the dye seeped onto his neck, Mr. Potter squealed, finally not-so-oblivious. He whirled around to face Sirius, and as a lock of his messy, once-black-now-hideously-blond hair fell into his view, he shrieked.

"_Sirius_!" James screamed, aghast, "Now I not only _smell_ like a dead, rotting, cheese-covered house-elf, I _look_ like one too!"

"Dead, rotting, _and_ cheese-covered?" Sirius repeated skeptically, quirking an eyebrow.

"_Yes_," James replied hoarsely, tugging at his hair desperately.

"Oh well, mate," Sirius shrugged, "It's all in good fun..you know..Pomfrey'll be able to get it out during the next month or so, that's what the can says."

"MONTH?" James squealed angrily.

Lily was brought to opening her mouth again – to laugh madly, of course, along with Snape, but in a much nicer more-Gryffindor-y way.

"See, I knew this would work," Slughorn said to himself, shaking his head in amusement.

"Remus, my dear so-called friend, why exactly did you not tell me that my other so-called friend was TURNING MY HAIR BLOODY BLOND!" James roared at Remus(his so-called friend).

Remus only cringed silently, before spraying James' newly-dyed hair with his oh-so-handy deodorant. Finally, he replied, though it was not an answer to his question. "You smell like a dead, rotting, cheese-covered house-elf," he remarked mildly, seemingly unaware that he did as well, "With a touch of sweet potato, too."

(Lily and Snape were still cackling.)

Suddenly, Snape stopped cackling, and rose from his seat. "I love you, James Potter," he said in an oddly squeaky voice, "You should rule the universe and marry Lily Evans and both of you should snog madly in the Quidditch shed on the Grounds."

James blinked. He'd obviously cursed Snape to say such things, but he hadn't counted on the Slytherin going on after the ruling-the-universe thing. Oh well. James grinned.

Snape fell back into his seat, now looking rather bewildered.

Lily Evans glared at James, hands on her hips, Sirius was now the cackling-madly person in the room, and Remus Lupin was spraying his desk with deodorant for the tenth time. .

"Five hundred points to Gryffindor for sheer randomness!" Slughorn announced, "Let's party!" So the Gryffindors all did a funny little jig around the classroom while singing (even Lily), Slughorn went back to staring at his _Felix_, and Snape had that nice little murderous look on his nice little, big-nosed face.

Snape tried to think of his own sheer randomness. Soon, it came to him.

He rose from his seat again, voluntarily this time, and announced, "I have itchy underpants!"

The jigging Gryffindors stopped dead. Slughorn's head rose lazily.

"Twenty points from Slytherin, Snape, for being rather odd and having an ugly nose."

Snape glared at the professor with new vigor. "I do not have an ugly nose," Snape muttered to himself, poring over his poison – excuse me, _potion_ – again.

The Gryffindors started up their jigging and singing again, now led by Sirius, who kept tripping in his attempts to succeed in doing rather fatal and/or eccentric "dance moves".

A few minutes later, Snape rose and cleared his throat. "I am sorry, classmates," he said in a strained tone, "I have made you all a wonderful potion that will raise all of our spirits." He smiled rather eerily, and handed out vials of this wonderful potion.

Everyone – besides Snape – took a swig, and they all dropped dead. Slughorn took a few seconds longer than the rest.

"I knew…this would work," he mumbled confidently before keeling over.

Snape cackled madly, standing on top of his desk now. "I WILL RULE!" he screamed, "I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH THE HELP OF MY TRUSTY ITCHY UNDERWEAR!"

"Now, isn't that nice," Dumbledore said, smiling, passing by the classroom just in time to hear Snape's words.

THE END

Moral: Never trust wizards, caterpillars, or monkeys with big noses. And fear itchy…teacups.


End file.
